Sunday, January 31, 2010


While performing my duties as a flower delivery man a state trooper pulled me over. We all make mistakes. There is no way he could have known I was minutes away from being late delivering those dozen stargazer lilies. The proper thing to do would be to extol me to drive safely and send me on my way but he had the audacity to cite me.

Now I can understand giving a ticket to this guy. This is smug Masshole JT;

That's not the guy he met though. He met pious, slightly bewildered by life and how girls don't call him back Utahn JT;

How could you give him a ticket!?

Friday, January 29, 2010

11:36 PM

Sometimes I think nothing would be cooler than to be able to shoot fireballs like Mario. Then I get a little more realistic and I think I would get into a lot of trouble if I could. But what kind of trouble could shooting fireballs get you into that shooting more fireballs couldn't get you out of?

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Nature Abhors A Vacuum. Now If We Could Only Get Human Nature To Abhor The Vacuous.

Avatar came out December 10 of last year and immediately started breaking box office records like a schizophrenic in a vinyl store. Kesha's single 'Tik Tok' quickly scaled the charts internationally and like a cat in a tree, looks like it's not coming down anytime soon.
What do these pop culture products have in common besides making obscene amounts of money? They are superficially engaging and depressingly short on substance. Both equally demonstrate how some contemporary artists do little more than deftly mix cliche, tropes, and cultural memes into a marketable product. They are like a copies of copies of copies, ad infinitum until you get to a point of maximum derivativeness that collapses on itself like a black hole that sucks in money.

The only thing more stunning than Avatar's visuals is how formulaic it's plot is. Cameron gave us Pocahontas dancing with wolves in Ferngully. Oh yeah, there was big blue cat people.
"Don't stop/ Make it pop/ DJ, blow my speakers up/ Tonight, Imma fight 'til the we see the sunlight..."; goes the chorus to 'Tik Tok'. It's catchy and the theme of devil may care partying is fun but that's about the most positive thing I can say. I've heard this song a thousand times before by a thousand different artists and Kesha's verison doesn't make the top half.

I'm not saying we all need to listen to opera and watch art house films but I wish our standards as consumers was just a little higher. But what do I know? I watch reality on TV.

“If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late? Nobody.”

J. D. Salinger, 1919-2010

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

One For One

I would like to congratulate CLAY COOPER on his recent purchase of Tom's Shoes. For every pair of Tom's you buy, Tom's will give a pair of shoes to a child in need. "One For One". Not 5% of your purchase goes to support this charity. You buy a pair and Tom gives a pair. Thanks to Clay, Jaunito or Jaunita can now play soccer and not worry about what they might step on. Sure it's clever marketing(/charity) but I would rather participate in marketing that give shoes to barefoot kids in Argentina than marketing that helps a Nike exec install a Cristal filled hot tub with a stripper pole in his summer cottage. Plus, it turns out charity is extremely comfortable.

Monday, January 25, 2010


Text "Haiti" to 90999 and donate $10 to the Haiti Earthquake Relief fund. It'll will show up on your next phone bill. I will personally give a back rub to anyone who donates. (This offer excludes coworkers and the cast of Jersey Shore)

Get It?

Friday, January 22, 2010


I'm Here
is a new short from one of my favorite directors, Spike Jonze. It is premiering at The Sundance Film Festival right now.

11:46 AM

My mom once confessed to us that she was somewhat uncomfortable sitting in a room with her back to a door. Indicative of a past life as gunslinger? Money owed to the mafia? A shady youth flush with gang violence?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Yearbook Pictures!

The world wide web chronicles some of the best yearbook pictures ever taken. I'm glad these haven't been lost to humanity. This guy I would follow blindly into any apocalyptic future dreamed upped cooperatively by Steven King and Cormac McCarthy in a week long opium den binge. Here are some other good yearbook pics: .

Murder, She Wrote

If you're not familiar with the television series Murder, She Wrote (1984-1996), let me explain; Angela Lansbury played Jessica Fletcher, retired english teacher turned successful mystery writer. Wherever she went someone would inevitably become a victim of murder most foul. Death would follow her like a poorly maintained carnival ride. Ms. Fletcher would then condense fact from the vapor of minute detail (The concierge walks the dogs at 8!) and without fail, solve the homicide and finger the unapologetic perpetrator. Everyone would be very impressed this mild-mannered senior citizen had become the instrument of swift justice. Whenever I watched this show two thoughts spring to mind;

1, If people were slaughtered wherever I roamed (264 episodes= 264 stiffs), I too would become an incredible homicide detective, and

2, You should never, ever invite Angela Lansbury to anything.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

9:50 PM or The Sensitive Side of OBC

I've grown to believe that a "soul mate" is not a predestined person but a position in a relationship you achieve.