12:21 AM

If I ever have twins I'm going to tattoo half a treasure map on each of them and then separate them at a young age leaving only enough clues for them to find each other. The tattoo map will lead them on an odyssey of high jinks and self-discovery with danger around every corner. After an epic adventure they'll find the real treasure is their relationship as brothers and the value of having a father who can sell a true story to Disney.

hood rat stuff

Oranges Before Carrots likes cool t-shirts

For Emily

Oranges Before Carrots brought to you by THE KUSH

Quick Visual Guide to Modern Sexual Orientation

My Charm and Wit

You might think me egocentric saying this but I've blessed with charm and wit. If you don't mind a little self-indulgence I'd like to talk about this. For the sake of ease and convenience I will refer to my charm and wit with the portmanteau of "chit". Some people are somewhat chitty. I am full of chit. I am constantly chitting people. Chances are if we meet I will chit on you. What can I say? Some people have it and some people don't. I'm a pretty chitty guy.

Hyper Fresh: Russell Brand

True Story (We wish we could make this up):

When a high street bakery in Split, Croatia, was broken into on an almost weekly basis, the management turned to none other than Chuck Norris.

The owners procured a life-sized picture of the Delta Force star and posted it in the bakery’s window, along with a sign to warn anyone with nefarious intentions to beware, reading, “This shop is under the protection of Chuck Norris.”

It worked, according to Mirna Kovac, a sales assistant at the store:

"To be honest we just started it as a joke but it really has worked. Thieves haven’t been anywhere near us for ages. People seem to respect him. Everyone around here has seen his films and he’s quite a popular character, perhaps even among criminals, so they’ve decided to leave us alone."

Apparently, some customers believed that the joking poster was real:

"We have had a few customers come in and ask us whether they can get Chuck’s autograph.
They really believe he is sitting in our storeroom out the back ready to pounce on any burglars."

The bakery has not had a burglary in the month since the poster was installed.

                          "You're welcome."

Bluetooth for the Toothless

Charities are expensive. (small side note... cherries also are expensive)  want to spend a month in El Salvador with HELP international working on various sustainable development projects?  $2750 plus airfare.  How about participating in a Tom's shoe drop and distributing free shoes to kids in need in Argentina?  about $2000.  I would need to take out a college loan to do either.  I really do want to make a difference somehow, but it seems like the easiest thing would be to start up my very own non-profit organization! Upon evaluating the current areas where I feel much change and improvement is due, I have decided on an organization capable of helping EVERYONE!  (drumroll) It's called Bluetooth for the Toothless.  It's simple and promising. Ever been in a grocery store and been freaked out by a complete stranger asking you what kinds of diapers he should buy only to find out the alleged stranger was talking on a tiny and extremely unnecessary bluetooth headset device?  or... Ever drive by an unfortunate homeless person talking to himself about how the real JFK assassin was Elvis Presley? Two seemingly unsolvable problems with an easy solution. Those bold individuals who have actually upgraded to newer ridiculous bluetooth headsets can donate their old ones to the less fortunate... thus solving two problems at once! No more uncomfortable moments amongst our bluetoothed peers in the post office or creepy moments with the stop-light windshield cleaners babbling to themselves about selling Hoover vacuums in Vietnam... well... they will still be babbling to themselves...but... you'll just assume their talking to their clients in Hanoi.

Hand 'em over Becks...